p304 Meditation

                     Meditation
      Annileen. 
      This is becoming a problem. For her—and that makes it a problem for me. 
      No, I know what you're thinking. I've been tested on this score before—and I've seen what it means to get too close to someone. Years ago, with Siri Tachi—you were there for part of that. 
      And then there was Satine…I've vowed never to put anyone else in similar jeopardy. 
      And that's just it: I'm not some moon-eyed Padawan. Not anymore. I know personal ties can work against us. We endanger them, sometimes, because of the nature of our duties. And worse, they become possessions, to be protected and obsessed over. 
      I admit, I do wonder sometimes if that sells Jedi short. Not everyone is Anakin. And if the simple act of caring deeply for a person—especially someone as good as Padmé—is destructive in principle, then the Force has a peculiar view of what constitutes good and evil. You told me yourself that the Jedi weren't always against relationships. And consider: families are strong in the Force. Does the Force really understand what it wants?
      No matter—I understand myself. I can give up love. I have given up love. But I wasn't prepared to give up the thing that I had instead. 
      Community. 
      I've lived my life in the structure of the Jedi Order. Yes, it was an organization with a goal—but it was also a family. I said it myself: Anakin was my brother. I had many brothers and sisters. And fathers and mothers. And even a strange little green uncle. 
      I don't have that home now. I don't have that family. 
      Almost every friend I've ever had is dead. 
      I…I've never thought about it in exactly those terms, before. It nearly took my breath away, just now. Almost every friend I’ve ever had is dead. Most killed by Sith evil. 
      And I've never lived without the Jedi Order to fall back on, to help me when things went badly. What does it mean to be a Jedi alone?
      I think you tried to tell me, more than once. Your stories about other Jedi who lived without the trappings of the Order—but who still followed the Code. Kerra Holt, back in Bane's time, cut off from the Republic. And who was that half Jedi? Zayne something? Zayne Carrick. He wasn't a part of the Jedi Order, and yet he did good deeds anyway, on his own. He relied on his friends and didn't need some official imprimatur to do the right thing. 
      Maybe I can do that. I can't rebuild the Jedi Order, but I can certainly put together the support system it provided. Emotionally, if not in terms of power to resist the Emperor. 
      Maybe starting with Annileen and the Claim…
      No. That would be following the living Force alone—wrapping myself in the present. Not worrying about the future, the longer strands, the bigger issues. A Jedi is responsible for balancing both. I'm responsible—especially now when there's no one else to do it. 
      Still, Annileen…
      Wait. 
      Hold on. 
      I just realized something. 
      I'll be back.