- 2016-08-07 02:43:23
- What are you doing there ? […] - Thinking. I like thinking. […] From that mistake he has learned to be more prudent. Part of being prudent is always to tell less rather than more.‘Double, double, toil and trouble,’ he says, quoting from Macbeth. […] (his mother) thinks Macbeth is Shakespeare’s greatest play.He stays in bed till noon every day, drinking tea and smoking and reading stories in Argosy and Lilliput.(his mother) […] wore a silk dressing gown at four in the afternoon and smoked cigarettes in a cigarette-holder.[…] unspoiled and thoughtless, running wild, then suddenly, at a certain age, going bad, their beauty dying within them.Daphne pursued by Apollo; Persephone ravished by Dis. It is a matter of shape, of perfection of shape. He has an idea of the perfect human body. When he sees that perfection manifested in white marble, something thrills inside him; a gulf opens up; he is on the edge of falling. […] Of all the secrets that set him apart, this may in the end be the worst. Among all these boys, he is the only one in whom this dark erotic current runs; among all this innocence and normality, he is the only one who desires.His mind in particular darts about here and there all the time, with an impatient will of its own.[…] whose bodies are their own to do with as they please – why do they not come together in a feast of sexual delight? Is the answer that they are too innocent to know what pleasures are available to them – that only dark and guilty souls know such secrets? Beauty is innocence; innocence is ignorance; ignorance is ignorance of pleasure; pleasure is guilty; he is guilty. […] he, ruled by his dark desires, is guilty. In fact, by this long path he has come within sight of the word perversion, with its dark, complex thrill, beginning with the enigmatic p that can mean anything, then swiftly tumbling via the ruthless r to the vengeful v.What he said to Agnes that afternoon he can no longer remember. But he told her everything, everything he did, everything he knew, everything he hoped for. […] ‘Where have you been? What have you been doing?’ asked the grown-ups […] Nothing.To whatever comes from him she seems to answer without reserve, softly, readily. […] Is this love - this easy generosity, this sense of being understood at last, of not having to pretend? He reads at great speed and with total absorption. He knows that if he wants to be a great man he ought to be reading serious books.He reads Titus Andronicus because of its Roman name, then Coriolanus, skipping the long speeches as he skips the nature descriptions in his library books.He does not particularly like Jesus – Jesus flies into rages too easily – but he is prepared to put up with him. At least Jesus did not pretend to be God, and died before he could become a father. That is Jesus’ strength; that is how Jesus keeps his power.He was always a step ahead of everyone. […] At the age of thirteen he is becoming surly, scowling, dark.[…] she is inviting calamities upon herself for no other purpose than to show the world how much she can endure.
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