Once I
played until I fa
Ited
I had just got slalom skis and was so excited that I forgo to eat. I skied the whole day without eating In the end I fainted from exhaustion and crashed into i lamp post. I had concussion, and Dad had to take me to the lospital
The doctor said that playing all day long was fine, but thatI had to remember to eat in between
I fainted because what I was doing was so much fun that I didn't have time to take a break
Something about that is incredibly gooe hat eagerness
It's quite far away.
dy mood has been varying these last few dayst, I am trying to get a picture of my situation, but the pieces ron't quite fall into place. I don't really know where I am A lot has changed over the last few weeks The days have become different. The nights as well But I don't feel satisfied. Not yet. There's definitely a handfulof essential things missing. I have no idea where to look But I have the ball
Fortunately, I have the ball
Every night I throw the ball against the wall for quite a ag while.
My brother is coming back in a month's time Then I can'tlive here any more. I have a month
I admit I am nervous about how this is going to turn out I am trying not to act tough. I could have lit a cigarette andacted as though nothing was going on. Maybe I could havefooled somebody. A couple of girls. Kim. I could possibly havefooled Kim. But sooner or later I would be sitting there again.On the grass, with my brothers or somebody else's arm onmy shoulder, crying
Because there's something the matter. There is clearly something the matter.
What I could really use is an older man. A mentor. Onewho could tell me how things fit together He would have asked me to do chores that I felt weremeaningless. I would have been impatient and protested, butdone them nontheless And eventually, after several months ofhard labour. I would have realised that there was a deepermeaning behind it all, and that the master hadhad a cunningplan all the time
Suddenly I would have been able to see great patterns. Seevarious things for what they are. Draw conclusions about theworld and people. I would also have become able to restrainmyself and bring out the best in others and all that. And themaster would say that he didn't have any more to teach meland then he would have given me something, A grand giftMaybe a car. And I would have said it's too much, that I couldn'taccept it, but he would have insisted and we would have saidFarewell in a sentimental but sound manner. And then I wouldhave driven out into the world and met someone, preferably
girl, and established a family and maybe a business that comhave turned out some good products and servces.That's how it should have been. Damn. It's obvious It should never have been different. But such masters do not grow on trees. I've never met a single master.
Everything points to me having to take care of myself. I am trying to think who I look up to There aren't many of them
These I admire
Laurie Anderson
- Gandhi
The Salvation Army
Carl Barks
Astrid Lindgren
Orson Welles
H. Hauge
Lars Lillo-stenberg
I am convinced that it's all about eagerness hat it's missing I must find it. Get it back
It's out there.
It's probably pointless to talk about it It's a bit Zen
I'li never make it as long as I try to
Only when I don't try will I make it. Fucking Buddhists. They think they re so bloody clever引自 The Master
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