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读过 Leaving the Witness
This tragedy becomes my new religion, another attempt at arguing with bleak reality. I am desperate for a savior that can make me no longer the mother of a child whose heart has been pummeled by a stranger on a change table stained by all the children who had lain on it, alive. I begin to understand why people concocted ideads about life and death. I now know what dread we were all trying to avoid, with our cults and religiiions. Even those with no religion - we were all hiding, indoctrinated, embedded with ideas about how we must be and must live so as to impose order on the disorder. People sometimes wake up one day and realize that the life they live or they belief system they carry around doesn't work anymore, for any variety of reasons. But many of us don't, because our culutre (or to say it another, cult) too fully consumes our life and extends across our world, our peer group, our country, our political affliation, and all of our experience. We don't even apprehend this, because we are never far enough outside of it to understand what is hapeening. This leaves only the upheavals, the blindsides, the tragedies, to discompose us enough to investigate just how much the environment in which we find ourselves has created the way we see the world. It is a struggle to see the truth through out indoctrination, to verify the storeis told to us by the culture we have been born into, or have chosen. Reincarnation now seems to me a perfectly valid concept that human imagination would create as a means to assuage the torture of not being able to go back and relive a day, to undo what has happened. I want to try out a differeent path, a different cult/culture, and see if it will lead to less anguish, because certainly no other path could have led to worse than this. I want to come back as a woman with good parents, who goes to college, who is allowed to love whomever she loves, has children who live, work the enjoys, and a home with family and friends who laugh about the old days. 引自第270页
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I now know why people say that everyone has a cross to bear, because I feel this cross ...
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