读过 Trick Mirror
On the plane back from Kyrgyzstan, I was a raw nerve, fragile in a way that I had never been before - flattened out by the awful juxtaposition between my obscene power as an American and my obscene powerlessness as a woman, and by an undiagnosed vase of TB, and by my own humiliating inability to live comfortably in a situation where I couldn't achieve or explain my way oout of every bind.
When a man and a woman combine their unpaid domestic obligations under the aegis of tradition, the woman usually ends up doing most of the work - a fact that is greatly exacerbated by the advent of kids. There is an idea that women get to Scrooge -dive in heaps of money after divorce proceedings, but in fact, women who worked while married see their incomes go down by 20% on average after a divorce, whereas men's incomes go up by more than that.
Gender inequality is so entrenched in staight marraige that it persists in the face of cultural change as well as personal intensions.
How is it possible that so much of contemporary life feels so arbitrary and so inescapable? Thinking about weddings has not been very useful to me: developing an understanding of the material conditions that produced the wedding ritual, its basis in inequality and its role in perpetuating that inequlity, hasn't really meant a thing. It feels like a trick, a trick that has worked and is still working, that the bride remains the image of womanhood at its most broadly celebrated - and that planning a wedding is the only period in a woman's life where she is universally and unconditionally encouraged to conduct everything on her terms.
It's possible that, just as marriage conceals its true nature through the elaborate ritual of the wedding, I have been staging this entire production to hide from myself some reality about my life. If I object to the wife's diminishment for the same reason that I object to the bridge's glorification, maybe this reason is much simpler and more obvious that I've imagined: I dont' want to be diminished, and I do want to be glorified - not in one shining moment, but whenver I want.
This seems true, but I still feel that I can't trust it. Here, the more I try to uncover whatever I'm looking for, the more I feel that I'm too far gone. I can feel the low, uneasy hum of self-delusion whevever I think about all of this - a tone that gets louder the more I try to write and cancel it out. I can feel the tug of my deep and recurring suspicion that anything I might think about myself must be, somehow, necessarily wrong.
In the end, the safest conclusions may not actually be conclusions. We are asked to understand our lives under such impossibly convoluted conditions. I have always accommodated everything I wish I were opposed to. Here, as in so many other things, the "thee" that I dread may have been the "I" all along 引自 I THEE Dread
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