Applying the Laws of Boundaries to Marriage
The Laws of Sowing and Reaping
The Law of Responsibility
The law of Power
The Law of Evaluation
A boundary always deals with youreslef, not the other person. You are setting boundaries to say what you will do or will not do.
The Law of Exposure
Boundaries need to be communicated first verbally and then with actions. The types of boundaris: skin, words, truth, physcial space, time, emotional distance, other people, consequences.
Every marriage is made up of two ingredients, togetherness and separateness. The partners carry equal loads of both of those in good marriages.
1. Inventory the symptom: recognize the problem and agree to take action to solve it.
2. Identify the specific boundary problem.
3. Find the origins of the conflict.
4. Take in the good. support group
6. Say no to the bad.
8. Become proactive: figure out what you want to do, set your course, and stick to it.
9. Learn to love in freedom and responsibility.
Boundaries and Your Children
The positive facets of discipline are proactivity, prevention, and instruction.
We learn maturity by getting information, applying it poorly, making mistakes, learning from our mistakes, and doing better the next time.
Discipline is not payment for a wrong. It's the natural law of God: our actions reap consequences.
Below are some ways you can help your children:
- Allow them to talk abou ttheir anger.
- Allow them to express grief, loss, or sadness without trying to cheer them up and talk them out of their feelings.
- Encourage them to ask questions and not assume your words are the equivalent of Scripture.
- As them what they are feeling when they seem isolated or distressed; help them put words to their negative feelings. Do not try to keep things light for a false sens of cooperation and family closeness.
The Boundary Needs of Children
taking responsibility for one's needs
having a sense of control and choice
delaying gratification of goals
respect the limits of others
11-18 years: deparenting process should have begun. You increase her freedom, as weel as responsibility. You renegotiate restrictions, limits, and consequences with more flexibility.
Teens need to be setting their own relational, scheduling, values, and money boundaries as much as possible.
Types of Discipline
1. Consequences are intended to increase children's sense of responsibility and control over their lives.
2. Consequences must be age appropriate.
3. Consequences must be related to the seriousness of the infraction.
4. The goal of boundaries is an internal sense of motivation, with self-induced consequences.
Establish trust and monitor it well. Trust includes understanding their needs - including how important their digital ife is to them - and then helping them to stay safe and establish track records of trust.
Establishing Boundaries with Yourself
1. What are the symptoms? depression, anxiety, panic, phobias, rage, relationship struggles, isolation, work proble, or psychosomatic problems.
2. What are the roots?
- lack of traing? never learned toa ccept limits, to pay the consequences of their actions, or to delay gratification when they were growing up.
- rewarded destructiveness: out-of contro behavior brings relationship.
- distorted need
- fear of relationship: overeating, oeverworking keeps others away
- unmet emotional hungers
- being under the law
- covering emotional hurt
3. What is the boundary conflict? food, money, time, task completion, words, sexuality or substance abuse.
4. Who needs to take ownership? our boundary conflicts may not be all our faulty. they are, however, our responsiblity.
5. What do you need?
6. How do I begin? address your real need, allow yourself to fail, listen to empathic feedback from others, surround yourself with people who are loving and supportive.
Guilt messages are really anger in disguise, hide sadness and hurt. Be assertive and interpret their message as being about their feelings.