丟失練習

『三搬當一燒』，我搬家的次數太多，平時也就『丟三臘四』的，一累了精神渙散，越是怕丟的東西越是要丟。

看《對照記》題刻講丟失的專橫、迫切、勢在必行，仿佛定言令式，立時想起前日在筆記裡翻出的Bishop 詩一首，同講丟失的藝術和丟失的練習，兩相深淺對照，往來回聲隱隱。畢詩摘抄在此：

One Art

by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn’t hard to master; so many things seem filled with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster of lost door keys, the hour badly spent. The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster: places, and names, and where it was you meant to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or next-to-last, of three loved houses went. The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster, some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent. I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

—Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident the art of losing’s not too hard to master though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Bishop 這詩講丟失，講危機，講奴隸主和父親，講失明與失目的，字字是丟，卻字字講的是丟失的失敗，是放不下，是忘不了。而再看張愛玲——“越是怕的東西越是要丟”——秋色刀鋒，毫不留情把自己推出邊界去，冷冷自有神氣。

讀詩讀書，想來亦如搬家，一鱗半爪，吉光片羽，苛求集中精神抓在手裡，“一累了精神渙散”，最終也不過只能是“丟三落四”，如水過沙。不若練習丟失，越怕越丟，任詞和物、執著與恐懼不斷沖洗，這才能洗出“我”這張底片的千千萬萬個相來，我也於千千萬萬次丟失練習中分裂出千千萬萬個我來。

練習丟失，是我與我的“對照”，是發明我的 mise en abyme.