二胎必备！

怀二胎后的必读书籍就是这本，我是独生子女，我老公的姐姐比他大8岁，用他妈的话说就是“更像是带大了两个独生子女而不是一对姐弟”，所以我俩都没有真正的和亲密的兄弟姐妹一起成长的经历。书里一开头讲了很多艰难的兄弟姐妹关系，看得我各种心慌，甚至很庆幸自己长大过程中不用考虑这些麻烦事……每次读Faber和Mazlish的书都非常醍醐灌顶，兄弟姐妹之间的嫉妒来源于每个人都想排他地得到父母全部的爱（at the root of sibling jealousy is each child's deep desire for the exclusive love of their parents），想象你老公搂着你说“亲爱的，我太爱你了，以至于我还想再娶一个老婆！” LOL 至于怎么缓和，和他们之前的How to书里有一些相通的原理，比如要和孩子的负面情绪共情（acknowledge negative feeling），不要给孩子设限（don't lock a child into a role）等等。下面是直接从书里抄的笔记，方便自己以后复习。

Not ‘Till the Bad Feelings Come Out…

Sometimes it is hard to understand why siblings have such hateful feelings toward each other. Imagine your spouse puts an arm around you and says, “Honey, I love you so much, and you’re so wonderful that I’ve decided to have another wife just like you.”

Brothers and sisters need to have their feelings about each other acknowledged with：

• words that identify the feeling: " You sound furious!"
• wishes: "You wish he'd ask before using your things."
• symbolic or creative activity: "How would you feel about making a "Private Property' sign and hanging it on your closet door?"

Children need to have their hurtful actions stopped and shown how to discharge angry feeling acceptably.

The Perils of Comparisons

So far we had been talking about the fiercely competitive feelings that children bring to the sibling relationship all by themselves, without any help from us grown-ups. How do adults contribute to the competition? We compare! By making comparisons we definitely heat up the rivalry.

Resist the urge to compare. Instead of comparing one child to another, speak to the child only about the behaviour that pleases or displeases you. Describe what you see, what you feel, and what needs to be done.

Equal Is Less

To be loved equally is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely – for one’s own special self – is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.

Children don’t need to be treated equally. They need to be treated uniquely. Instead of giving equal amounts, give according to individual need. Instead of showing equal love, show the child he or she is loved uniquely. Instead of worrying about giving equal amounts, focus on each child’s individual need.

Siblings in Roles

We need to prepare our children for life outside the family. And life demands that we assume many roles. We need to know how to care for and be cared for; how to be leaders and followers; how to be serious and a little wild; how to live with disorder and how to create order. Why limit our children? Why not encourage all of them to take changes, explore their potential, discover their strengths they never dreamed lay within them.

If Johnny attacks his brother, attend to the brother without attacking Johnny.

Let no one lock a child into a role;

• not his parents,
• not the child himself, and
• not his brothers or sisters.

Children with problems do not need to be viewed as problem children. They do need:

• Acceptance of their frustration.
• Appreciation for what they have accomplished.
• Help in focusing on solutions.

When the Kids Fight

How to handle the fighting.

When the children can’t work out a problem by themselves:

1. Call a meeting of the antagonists. Explain the purpose and the ground rules.
2. Write down each child’s feelings and concerns, and read them aloud.
3. Allow time for rebuttal.
4. Invite everyone to come up with solutions. Write down all ideas without evaluating.
5. Decide upon the solution you all can live with.
6. Follow-up.

How to give support to the child who asks for it without taking sides.

More Ways to Encourage Good Feelings Between Brothers and Sisters

• Make sure each child gets some time alone with you several times a week. This one-on-one connection provides the emotional nourishment kids need to be more caring or at the very least more tolerant of their siblings. Once you set the time aside, honour it. Don’t let a phone call break the mood. Your child will always remember your saying, “Hello, Mrs. Jones. May I call you back? Right now Johnny and I are spending time together.” He will have a greater sense of his own value.
• When spending time with one child, don’t talk about the other. You don’t want your child to think, “Even when Debbie isn’t here, she takes Mom away from me.”
• Don’t withhold your affection or attention from your “favourite child” in order to make it up to a less favoured child. All each child needs from a parent is a full and realistic appreciation for who he or she is.
• Don’t lock the children in their position in the family constellation (oldest, youngest, middle). Allow each child the opportunity to experience some of the privileges and responsibilities of the other. Part of what creates deep resentment between siblings is the demand by parents that they always maintain their family position.
• Don’t get trapped by togetherness. Don’t force kids together if there is irritation between them. It could drive them further apart. Give everyone more breathing space with different kinds of adult-child combinations.
• Let each child know what it is about him that his siblings like or admire. Just knowing about a sibling’s positive feelings can make for a dramatic shift in a relationship.
• Schedule family meetings. You wouldn’t expect your car to run without periodic refuelling and maintenance.