Heavier Than Heaven
这篇书评可能有关键情节透露
原文鏈接：http://maomaooooooooo.diandian.com/post/2013-05-23/40050391380
When Kimberly was brought home from the hospital, Kurt insisted on carrying her into the house. "He loved her so much," remembered his father. Their three-year age difference was ideal because her care became one of his main topics of conversation. This remarked the beginning of a personality trait that would stick with Kurt for the rest of his life---he was sensitive to the needs and pains of others, at times overly so.
同理心太強的人需要用強大的內心去支撐自己，否則就會適得其反。可是他那時候只是個孩子，而且永遠只是個孩子。
One day he and John Fields were walking home from school when Fields told Kurt he should be an artist, but Kurt casusally announced he had other plans:"I'm going to be a superstar musician, kill myself, and go out in a flame of glory," he said. "Kurt, that's the stupidest thing I ever heard---don't talk that way," Fields replied. But Kurt was steadfast:"No, I want to be rich and famous and kill myself like Jimi Hendrix." Neither boy was aware at the time that Hendrix's death wasn't suicide.
原來Kurt那麼小的時候就有成名并死去的念頭了。
Once Ryan asked kurt,"What are you going to do when you're thirty?" "I'm not worried about what's going to happen when I'm thirty," Kurt replied in the same tone he would use to discuss a broken spark plug, "because I'm never going to make it to thirty. You know what life is like after thirty---I don't want that." The concept was so foreign to Ryan, who viewed the world with a young man's sense of possibility, he was momentarily speechless. Ryan could recognize a torment inside Kurt:"He was the shape of suicide. He looked like suicide, he walked like suicide, and he talked about suicide."
Kurt父親家那邊的三個親人在他小時候相繼自殺，而且其中有兩個都是飲彈自盡。Kurt說他有suicide gene。雖然他和那幾個親戚的關係不是很親密，但是也給年幼的他埋下了陰影。那時候，自殺在同齡人眼中是一件不可想像避之不談的事情，然而，對於Kurt來說，自殺就像酗酒、抽煙、抽葉子等一樣平常，成爲了他平時常掛在嘴邊的事。
Tracy and Shelli contributed to the band in those early days in ways that cannot be underestimated: They played the informal roles of press agents, managers, bookers, and merchandise-salespeople, in addition to their job of making sure their men were fed, dressed, and reheared.
Tracy應該算是Kurt的第一個正式的女朋友，在Kurt對自己缺失信心，在感情上畏懼主動的時候，Tracy出現了。她主動和Kurt打招呼，表達對Kurt的喜愛，而這正是Kurt在那時候最需要的。當然，想泡妹子確實也是Kurt想要玩樂隊的原因之一。
Tracy和Shelli在樂隊剛成立的初期有著功不可沒的貢獻，如果不是她們，Kurt和Kris不可能投入到樂隊的排練中去。Kurt一直不願長期做一份工作，一方面他厭惡一塵不變的繁瑣的工作；另一方面，很多涉及到工廠等有危險的工作Kurt都堅決不做，他怕傷到手以致于再也不能彈吉他，這也是小時候玩鬧的時候傷到過手留下的陰影。Kurt說如果不能彈吉他了，那麼他的生命也就沒有意義了。
Kurt was always a strange mixture of self-preservation and self-destruction, and meeting him one night, you might hardly imagine he was the same person if you encountered him two weeks later.
Kurt21歲的時候，曾經有一段時間戒煙並且不許他的朋友在他面前抽煙。而這之前，他卻每天躲在屋子里抽。
Kurt had decided the album would be called Too Many Humans, which wasn't the name of any individual song but summed up the dark thesis of his work. But in early February the band headed to California on tour, and while driving through San Francisco, Kurt saw an AIDS percention poster that struck him as funny: It read"Bleach Your Works." "Bleach," he said to his two bandmates as the van drove down the street. "That's going to be the name of our new album."
這就是第一張專輯Bleach名字的來歷。
If it's illegal to rock'n'roll, thow my ass in jail.
---A line Kurt wrote on a guitar, July 15, 1989
Where many of his early tunes had been one-dimensional rants---usually discourses on the sorry state of society---a song like "Polly" found Kurt taking a newspaper clipping and crafting an emotional back story to go with the headling. The song, originally titled "Hitchhiker," had its roots in a real-life incident from 1987, when a young girl was kidnapped, brutally raped, and tortured with a blow torch. The song is written, surprisingly, from the perspective and in the voice of the perpetrator. Kurt managed to capture the horror of the rape("let me clip your dirty wings"), yet at the same time subtly pointed our the humanness of the attacker("she's just as bored as me").
kurt ends the song with a line that could stand as an epitaph for the rapist, for the victim, or for himself:"It amazes me, the will of instinct." Years later,upon first seeing Nirvana in concert, Bob Dylan picked "Polly" out of the entire Nirvana catalog as Kurt's most couragous song, and one that inspired him to remark of Kurt, "The kid has heart."
Polly 創作的幕後故事。
During one rambunctious night of partying at Kurt's house, Hanna spray-painted"Kurt smells like teen spirit" on the cedroom wall, She was referring to a deodorant for teenage girls, so her graffiti was not without implication: Tobi used Teen Spirit, and by writing this on the wall, Kathleen was taunting Kurt about sleeping with her, implying that he was marked by her scent.
在這不久后，Kurt和他的第二任女友Tobi分手了，或者說是被Tobi甩了。這次分手對Kurt影響特別大，也是Nevermind專輯里的很多歌的最初靈感來源，雖然這麼說有些殘忍。分手后的很長一段時間里，Kurt對周遭的厭惡和對自己的恨達到了一個頂峰，可以說是Kurt最黑暗的日子之一。
“Thanks to unencouraging parents ecerywhere," he wrote, "for giving their children the will to show them up."
可是和父母的關係一直影響著Kurt的生活，是他生命中永遠不願觸碰的痛。
"I decided to use heroine on a daily basis because of an ongoing stomach ailment that I had been suffering from for the past five years, [and that] had literally taken me to the point of wanting to kill myself. For five years, every single day of my life, every time I swallowed a piece of food, I would experience an excruciating, burning, nauseous pain in the upper part of my stomach lining."
這段Kurt的日誌，一方面說明他吸毒這件事其實是不賴Courtney的，另一方面就是胃病對他的折磨簡直要命！在看過15個不同的醫生，嘗試過50種不同的藥物治療以後，Kurt發現唯一有效的是heavy opiates。上癮對他來說是一種決定，他決定做一個癮君子，以減少病痛的折磨。
Shillinger spoke the words that were now painfully obvious to Kurt no matter how much he wanted to deny them:"You're really famous now, Cobain. You are on television, like, every three hours." "I don't know about that," Kurt replied, sounding very young. "I don't have a TV in the car I live in."
Kurt對自己的一夜成名一直無力適從，並且他非常討厭別人提到他成名這件事。
As shocking as Kurt's appearance was, his announcement of future plans was the real surprise:"I'm getting married, and that's a total revelation---emotionally, that is. I've never felt so secure in my life, and so happy. It's like I have no inhibitions anymore. It's like I'm drained of feeling really insecure. I guess getting married has a lot to do with security and keeping your mind straight. My future wife's and my personalities are so volatile that I think if we were to get into a fight, we'd split just like that. Getting married is an extra bit of security." He ended the interview with another forecast:"There are plenty of things I would like to do when I'm older. At least, just have a family, that would satisfy me."
Kurt還在上學的時候，有一次有朋友問他三十歲以後想做什麽，他那時候的回答是他不會活到三十歲的，他說簡直不敢想像變老以後的日子會是什麽樣子。而現在，遇到Courtney以後，Kurt也變成了一個全新的Kurt Cobain。
Kurt和Courtney第一次見面在1990年一月，可以說是一見鍾情。1991年五月他們第二次相遇，那天晚上Kurt和Courtney通了很久的電話，第二天Kurt開口便是“Courtney said this”“Courtney said that”。第三次相遇以後兩人開始了每天電話電傳的熱戀。Courtney的童年和Kurt的很相似，也經歷了父母離異，這也讓Kurt在Courtney面前感覺很親切很輕鬆，再加上音樂上面的無所不談，他們是當時所有人眼中的天生一對。1991年十二月他們在倫敦訂婚，沒有一個正式的儀式，顯然，Kurt已經等不及這一天的到來了。1992年二月24日，Kurt和Courtney在Waikiki Beach結婚。
During the final months of 1992, Kurt finalized many of the songs for his next record---which he was still calling I Hate Myself and I Want to Die---and most were about his family, old and new.
most of the song was about Don, with the infamous line:"I tried hard to have a father/ But instead I had a dad." In the chorus, Kurt downplayed the most significant single event in his life:"That legendary divorce is such a bore."
"I guess this song is for my father," he wrote,"who is incapable of communicating at the level of affection in which I have always expected........ In other words: I love you; I don't hate you; I don't want to talk to you."
當然，第三張專輯最後的名字是In Utero。這張專輯主要是關於Kurt的家庭，其中很多歌的創作都受到了Courtney的影響。由於和父親的關係不好，就如Kurt自己所說，Don沒有在他最需要來自父母的關愛的時候給予父愛，以至於Kurt一直都堅持以後對自己的子女一定會加倍的寵愛。
雖然在In Utero錄製完成后一段時間里，Kurt的生活簡直一團糟，每天靠heroin而活，並且和Courtney也有很激烈的爭吵，但是每次爭吵--無論是小吵還是大鬧--最後都讓他們間的關係更加親密。
For some time Nirvana had been in negotiations with MTV about playing the network's "Unplugged" program. ...... The idea of playinga stripped-down show made Kurt nervous, and he worried more in advance about this particular performance than any since the band's debut at the Raymond kegger. "Kurt was really, really nervous," remembered Novoselic. Others were more direct:"He was terrified," observed production manager Jeff Mason.
Kurt had the expression of an undertaker, an appropriate look as the stage was set for a macabre black mass. Kurt had suggested Stargazer lilies, black candles, and a crystal chandelier. When "Unplugged" producer Alex Coletti asked,"You mean like a funeral?" Kurt said that was exactly what he meant. He had selected a st of fourteen songs that included six covers; five of the cover songs mentioned death.
在這張最受歡迎之一的現場專輯MTV Unplugged in New York錄製的背後，是Kurt的自我懷疑和沒有安全感。
在錄製之前不久，Kurt的胃病又犯了，什麽也吃不下，不停地嘔吐。這樣下去Kurt根本無法上臺演出，於是大家只能眼睜睜的看著Kurt用drugs來緩解病情。這次的胃病可能也是因為對這次演出的焦慮不安。
在演出前後，Kurt都一直在擔心觀眾會不會不喜歡，會不會不鼓掌等等，因為這是第一次Nirvana的不插電演出。演出后，Kurt說觀眾一定不喜歡他，以往的演出大家都在台下蹦跶，而這次他們只是安靜的坐著。他不知道的是，這張不插電專輯完美的展現了他的聲線，除了絕望的嘶吼，還有溫情和悲傷。
In his Rome note, Kurt cited Shakespeare's most famous character:"Dr. Baker says that, like Hamlet, I have to choose between life and death. I'm choosing death." The rest of the note touched on how sick he was of touring, and how Courtney"didn't love him anymore."
But it wasn't just Courtney's disappointment driving Kurt; something was different about him after Rome. Novoselic wondered whether the coma had indeed left him with brain damage. "He wouldn't listen to anybody," Krist recalled. "He was so fucked up." Dylan noticed a shift as well:"He didn't seem as alive. Before, he had more to him; after, he seemed monochromatic."
1994年3月3日，Kurt在羅馬的五星級酒店Excelsior的541房間第一次自殺未遂。這一天本該是Kurt在提前結束歐洲巡演和同樣在歐洲宣傳Hole的新專輯的Courtney在分隔26天后的相聚，但是由於Courtney晚到以及她太疲倦以致于沒有精力再搭理Kurt便入睡了，這一切再次加重了Kurt在歐洲巡演途中的種種抑鬱和絕望。
外界對Kurt自殺未遂的報導是accidental overdose，而這是Kurt最不願意接受的，他極度的不希望別人認為他是一個癮君子，雖然這確實是事實。
在羅馬事件之後，Kurt就像變了一個人。關於這段時期Kurt的經歷，可以參看電影Last Days。
Courtney was inconsolable. She insisted police give her Kurt's blood-speckled corduroy coat, which she wore. When the cops finally left the grounds, and with only a security guard as a witness, she retraced Kurt's last steps, entered the greenhouse---which had yet to be cleaned---and immersed her hands in his blood. On her knees on the floor, she prayed, howled, and wailed, held her blood-covered hands up to the sky, and screamed"Why?" She found a small remnant of Kurt's skull with hair attached. She washed and shampooed this gruesome souvenir. And then she began blotting out her pain with drugs.
羅馬事件之後，Kurt的自殺情緒更加強烈了。在親友的逼迫下，他進行了幾次戒斷治療，但是每次持續不了幾天他就放棄了。而那段時間，Courtney也正在L.A進行戒斷治療。Kurt和Courtney的最後一次見面是在Kurt戒斷期間，Kurt的所有親朋好友都聚到一起想規勸Kurt堅持戒斷治療，並且每個人都對他作了不同的威脅。最後，Courtney和Kurt的會面再次以吵架告終。Courtney事後回憶說，他們最後一次分開之前都沒有擁抱。
1994年三月底，Kurt飛到L.A進行戒斷治療。第一次是由Krist駕車送Kurt去機場，然而在路上，Kurt又吵又鬧，雖然Krist強行提著Kurt的衣領把他拖到了機場，但是最後Kurt在機場和Krist撕扯，擺脫了Krist之後，Kurt駡了一句“Fuck you”，然後逃跑了。Krist回去后跟Shelli說他一定不會再見到活著的Kurt了，那一定是他最後一次見到Kurt了。
4月2號，Kurt從治療中心逃出去，買了一張機票飛回Seattle。在Kurt回到Seattle的那三天里，Courtney通過各種途徑打聽，每天每隔五分鐘打一次電話給她認為Kurt可能出現的地方找Kurt。所有人都不知道Kurt到底在哪兒干了什麽。
關於Kurt的遺書，可以參看科本遺書。
May you rest in peace.
與其苟延殘喘，不如從容燃燒
When Kimberly was brought home from the hospital, Kurt insisted on carrying her into the house. "He loved her so much," remembered his father. Their three-year age difference was ideal because her care became one of his main topics of conversation. This remarked the beginning of a personality trait that would stick with Kurt for the rest of his life---he was sensitive to the needs and pains of others, at times overly so.
同理心太強的人需要用強大的內心去支撐自己，否則就會適得其反。可是他那時候只是個孩子，而且永遠只是個孩子。
One day he and John Fields were walking home from school when Fields told Kurt he should be an artist, but Kurt casusally announced he had other plans:"I'm going to be a superstar musician, kill myself, and go out in a flame of glory," he said. "Kurt, that's the stupidest thing I ever heard---don't talk that way," Fields replied. But Kurt was steadfast:"No, I want to be rich and famous and kill myself like Jimi Hendrix." Neither boy was aware at the time that Hendrix's death wasn't suicide.
原來Kurt那麼小的時候就有成名并死去的念頭了。
Once Ryan asked kurt,"What are you going to do when you're thirty?" "I'm not worried about what's going to happen when I'm thirty," Kurt replied in the same tone he would use to discuss a broken spark plug, "because I'm never going to make it to thirty. You know what life is like after thirty---I don't want that." The concept was so foreign to Ryan, who viewed the world with a young man's sense of possibility, he was momentarily speechless. Ryan could recognize a torment inside Kurt:"He was the shape of suicide. He looked like suicide, he walked like suicide, and he talked about suicide."
Kurt父親家那邊的三個親人在他小時候相繼自殺，而且其中有兩個都是飲彈自盡。Kurt說他有suicide gene。雖然他和那幾個親戚的關係不是很親密，但是也給年幼的他埋下了陰影。那時候，自殺在同齡人眼中是一件不可想像避之不談的事情，然而，對於Kurt來說，自殺就像酗酒、抽煙、抽葉子等一樣平常，成爲了他平時常掛在嘴邊的事。
Tracy and Shelli contributed to the band in those early days in ways that cannot be underestimated: They played the informal roles of press agents, managers, bookers, and merchandise-salespeople, in addition to their job of making sure their men were fed, dressed, and reheared.
Tracy應該算是Kurt的第一個正式的女朋友，在Kurt對自己缺失信心，在感情上畏懼主動的時候，Tracy出現了。她主動和Kurt打招呼，表達對Kurt的喜愛，而這正是Kurt在那時候最需要的。當然，想泡妹子確實也是Kurt想要玩樂隊的原因之一。
Tracy和Shelli在樂隊剛成立的初期有著功不可沒的貢獻，如果不是她們，Kurt和Kris不可能投入到樂隊的排練中去。Kurt一直不願長期做一份工作，一方面他厭惡一塵不變的繁瑣的工作；另一方面，很多涉及到工廠等有危險的工作Kurt都堅決不做，他怕傷到手以致于再也不能彈吉他，這也是小時候玩鬧的時候傷到過手留下的陰影。Kurt說如果不能彈吉他了，那麼他的生命也就沒有意義了。
Kurt was always a strange mixture of self-preservation and self-destruction, and meeting him one night, you might hardly imagine he was the same person if you encountered him two weeks later.
Kurt21歲的時候，曾經有一段時間戒煙並且不許他的朋友在他面前抽煙。而這之前，他卻每天躲在屋子里抽。
Kurt had decided the album would be called Too Many Humans, which wasn't the name of any individual song but summed up the dark thesis of his work. But in early February the band headed to California on tour, and while driving through San Francisco, Kurt saw an AIDS percention poster that struck him as funny: It read"Bleach Your Works." "Bleach," he said to his two bandmates as the van drove down the street. "That's going to be the name of our new album."
這就是第一張專輯Bleach名字的來歷。
If it's illegal to rock'n'roll, thow my ass in jail.
---A line Kurt wrote on a guitar, July 15, 1989
Where many of his early tunes had been one-dimensional rants---usually discourses on the sorry state of society---a song like "Polly" found Kurt taking a newspaper clipping and crafting an emotional back story to go with the headling. The song, originally titled "Hitchhiker," had its roots in a real-life incident from 1987, when a young girl was kidnapped, brutally raped, and tortured with a blow torch. The song is written, surprisingly, from the perspective and in the voice of the perpetrator. Kurt managed to capture the horror of the rape("let me clip your dirty wings"), yet at the same time subtly pointed our the humanness of the attacker("she's just as bored as me").
kurt ends the song with a line that could stand as an epitaph for the rapist, for the victim, or for himself:"It amazes me, the will of instinct." Years later,upon first seeing Nirvana in concert, Bob Dylan picked "Polly" out of the entire Nirvana catalog as Kurt's most couragous song, and one that inspired him to remark of Kurt, "The kid has heart."
Polly 創作的幕後故事。
During one rambunctious night of partying at Kurt's house, Hanna spray-painted"Kurt smells like teen spirit" on the cedroom wall, She was referring to a deodorant for teenage girls, so her graffiti was not without implication: Tobi used Teen Spirit, and by writing this on the wall, Kathleen was taunting Kurt about sleeping with her, implying that he was marked by her scent.
在這不久后，Kurt和他的第二任女友Tobi分手了，或者說是被Tobi甩了。這次分手對Kurt影響特別大，也是Nevermind專輯里的很多歌的最初靈感來源，雖然這麼說有些殘忍。分手后的很長一段時間里，Kurt對周遭的厭惡和對自己的恨達到了一個頂峰，可以說是Kurt最黑暗的日子之一。
“Thanks to unencouraging parents ecerywhere," he wrote, "for giving their children the will to show them up."
可是和父母的關係一直影響著Kurt的生活，是他生命中永遠不願觸碰的痛。
"I decided to use heroine on a daily basis because of an ongoing stomach ailment that I had been suffering from for the past five years, [and that] had literally taken me to the point of wanting to kill myself. For five years, every single day of my life, every time I swallowed a piece of food, I would experience an excruciating, burning, nauseous pain in the upper part of my stomach lining."
這段Kurt的日誌，一方面說明他吸毒這件事其實是不賴Courtney的，另一方面就是胃病對他的折磨簡直要命！在看過15個不同的醫生，嘗試過50種不同的藥物治療以後，Kurt發現唯一有效的是heavy opiates。上癮對他來說是一種決定，他決定做一個癮君子，以減少病痛的折磨。
Shillinger spoke the words that were now painfully obvious to Kurt no matter how much he wanted to deny them:"You're really famous now, Cobain. You are on television, like, every three hours." "I don't know about that," Kurt replied, sounding very young. "I don't have a TV in the car I live in."
Kurt對自己的一夜成名一直無力適從，並且他非常討厭別人提到他成名這件事。
As shocking as Kurt's appearance was, his announcement of future plans was the real surprise:"I'm getting married, and that's a total revelation---emotionally, that is. I've never felt so secure in my life, and so happy. It's like I have no inhibitions anymore. It's like I'm drained of feeling really insecure. I guess getting married has a lot to do with security and keeping your mind straight. My future wife's and my personalities are so volatile that I think if we were to get into a fight, we'd split just like that. Getting married is an extra bit of security." He ended the interview with another forecast:"There are plenty of things I would like to do when I'm older. At least, just have a family, that would satisfy me."
Kurt還在上學的時候，有一次有朋友問他三十歲以後想做什麽，他那時候的回答是他不會活到三十歲的，他說簡直不敢想像變老以後的日子會是什麽樣子。而現在，遇到Courtney以後，Kurt也變成了一個全新的Kurt Cobain。
Kurt和Courtney第一次見面在1990年一月，可以說是一見鍾情。1991年五月他們第二次相遇，那天晚上Kurt和Courtney通了很久的電話，第二天Kurt開口便是“Courtney said this”“Courtney said that”。第三次相遇以後兩人開始了每天電話電傳的熱戀。Courtney的童年和Kurt的很相似，也經歷了父母離異，這也讓Kurt在Courtney面前感覺很親切很輕鬆，再加上音樂上面的無所不談，他們是當時所有人眼中的天生一對。1991年十二月他們在倫敦訂婚，沒有一個正式的儀式，顯然，Kurt已經等不及這一天的到來了。1992年二月24日，Kurt和Courtney在Waikiki Beach結婚。
During the final months of 1992, Kurt finalized many of the songs for his next record---which he was still calling I Hate Myself and I Want to Die---and most were about his family, old and new.
most of the song was about Don, with the infamous line:"I tried hard to have a father/ But instead I had a dad." In the chorus, Kurt downplayed the most significant single event in his life:"That legendary divorce is such a bore."
"I guess this song is for my father," he wrote,"who is incapable of communicating at the level of affection in which I have always expected........ In other words: I love you; I don't hate you; I don't want to talk to you."
當然，第三張專輯最後的名字是In Utero。這張專輯主要是關於Kurt的家庭，其中很多歌的創作都受到了Courtney的影響。由於和父親的關係不好，就如Kurt自己所說，Don沒有在他最需要來自父母的關愛的時候給予父愛，以至於Kurt一直都堅持以後對自己的子女一定會加倍的寵愛。
雖然在In Utero錄製完成后一段時間里，Kurt的生活簡直一團糟，每天靠heroin而活，並且和Courtney也有很激烈的爭吵，但是每次爭吵--無論是小吵還是大鬧--最後都讓他們間的關係更加親密。
For some time Nirvana had been in negotiations with MTV about playing the network's "Unplugged" program. ...... The idea of playinga stripped-down show made Kurt nervous, and he worried more in advance about this particular performance than any since the band's debut at the Raymond kegger. "Kurt was really, really nervous," remembered Novoselic. Others were more direct:"He was terrified," observed production manager Jeff Mason.
Kurt had the expression of an undertaker, an appropriate look as the stage was set for a macabre black mass. Kurt had suggested Stargazer lilies, black candles, and a crystal chandelier. When "Unplugged" producer Alex Coletti asked,"You mean like a funeral?" Kurt said that was exactly what he meant. He had selected a st of fourteen songs that included six covers; five of the cover songs mentioned death.
在這張最受歡迎之一的現場專輯MTV Unplugged in New York錄製的背後，是Kurt的自我懷疑和沒有安全感。
在錄製之前不久，Kurt的胃病又犯了，什麽也吃不下，不停地嘔吐。這樣下去Kurt根本無法上臺演出，於是大家只能眼睜睜的看著Kurt用drugs來緩解病情。這次的胃病可能也是因為對這次演出的焦慮不安。
在演出前後，Kurt都一直在擔心觀眾會不會不喜歡，會不會不鼓掌等等，因為這是第一次Nirvana的不插電演出。演出后，Kurt說觀眾一定不喜歡他，以往的演出大家都在台下蹦跶，而這次他們只是安靜的坐著。他不知道的是，這張不插電專輯完美的展現了他的聲線，除了絕望的嘶吼，還有溫情和悲傷。
In his Rome note, Kurt cited Shakespeare's most famous character:"Dr. Baker says that, like Hamlet, I have to choose between life and death. I'm choosing death." The rest of the note touched on how sick he was of touring, and how Courtney"didn't love him anymore."
But it wasn't just Courtney's disappointment driving Kurt; something was different about him after Rome. Novoselic wondered whether the coma had indeed left him with brain damage. "He wouldn't listen to anybody," Krist recalled. "He was so fucked up." Dylan noticed a shift as well:"He didn't seem as alive. Before, he had more to him; after, he seemed monochromatic."
1994年3月3日，Kurt在羅馬的五星級酒店Excelsior的541房間第一次自殺未遂。這一天本該是Kurt在提前結束歐洲巡演和同樣在歐洲宣傳Hole的新專輯的Courtney在分隔26天后的相聚，但是由於Courtney晚到以及她太疲倦以致于沒有精力再搭理Kurt便入睡了，這一切再次加重了Kurt在歐洲巡演途中的種種抑鬱和絕望。
外界對Kurt自殺未遂的報導是accidental overdose，而這是Kurt最不願意接受的，他極度的不希望別人認為他是一個癮君子，雖然這確實是事實。
在羅馬事件之後，Kurt就像變了一個人。關於這段時期Kurt的經歷，可以參看電影Last Days。
Courtney was inconsolable. She insisted police give her Kurt's blood-speckled corduroy coat, which she wore. When the cops finally left the grounds, and with only a security guard as a witness, she retraced Kurt's last steps, entered the greenhouse---which had yet to be cleaned---and immersed her hands in his blood. On her knees on the floor, she prayed, howled, and wailed, held her blood-covered hands up to the sky, and screamed"Why?" She found a small remnant of Kurt's skull with hair attached. She washed and shampooed this gruesome souvenir. And then she began blotting out her pain with drugs.
羅馬事件之後，Kurt的自殺情緒更加強烈了。在親友的逼迫下，他進行了幾次戒斷治療，但是每次持續不了幾天他就放棄了。而那段時間，Courtney也正在L.A進行戒斷治療。Kurt和Courtney的最後一次見面是在Kurt戒斷期間，Kurt的所有親朋好友都聚到一起想規勸Kurt堅持戒斷治療，並且每個人都對他作了不同的威脅。最後，Courtney和Kurt的會面再次以吵架告終。Courtney事後回憶說，他們最後一次分開之前都沒有擁抱。
1994年三月底，Kurt飛到L.A進行戒斷治療。第一次是由Krist駕車送Kurt去機場，然而在路上，Kurt又吵又鬧，雖然Krist強行提著Kurt的衣領把他拖到了機場，但是最後Kurt在機場和Krist撕扯，擺脫了Krist之後，Kurt駡了一句“Fuck you”，然後逃跑了。Krist回去后跟Shelli說他一定不會再見到活著的Kurt了，那一定是他最後一次見到Kurt了。
4月2號，Kurt從治療中心逃出去，買了一張機票飛回Seattle。在Kurt回到Seattle的那三天里，Courtney通過各種途徑打聽，每天每隔五分鐘打一次電話給她認為Kurt可能出現的地方找Kurt。所有人都不知道Kurt到底在哪兒干了什麽。
關於Kurt的遺書，可以參看科本遺書。
May you rest in peace.
與其苟延殘喘，不如從容燃燒
- 作者: Charles R. Cross
- 出版: Hyperion
- 定价: USD 17.00
- 装帧: Paperback
- 页数: 432
- 时间: 2002-8-21