面对死亡，只是面对结果，是面对生前的一切，being a human。
Literature not only illuminated another's experience, it provided, I believed, the richest material for moral reflection, My brief forays into the formal ethics of analytic philosophy felt dry as a bone, missing the messiness and weight of real human life.
I slipped out of the trauma bay just as the family was brought in to view the body. Then I remembered; my Diet Cake, my ice cream sandwich...and the sweltering heat of the trauma bay,With one of the ER residents covering for me, I slipper back in, ghostlike, to save the ice cream sandwich in front of the corpse of the son I could not.
No one asked about my plans, which was a relief, since I had none. While I could now walk without a cane, a paralytic uncertainty loomed: Who would I be, going forward, and for how long? Invalid,scientist,teache? Bioethicist? Neurosurgeon once again, as Emma had implied? Stay-at-home dad? Writer? Who coule, or should, I be? As a doctor, I had some sense of what patients with life-changing illnesses faced- and it was exactly these moments I had wanted to explore with them. Should't terminal illness, then , be the perfect gift to that young man who had wanted to understand death? What better way to understand it than to live it? But I'd had no idea how hard i would be, how much terrain I would have to explore, map, settle. I 'd always imagined the doctor's work as something like connecting two pieces of railroad track, allowing a smooth journey for the patient. I hadn't expected the prospect of facing my own mortality to be so disorienting, so dislocating.I thought back to my younger self, who might've wanted to "forge in the smithy of my soul the uncreated conscience of my race"; looking into my own soul , I found the tools too brittle, th fire too weak, to forge even my own conscience.
有时候，命运，机缘巧合都让一件事情的发生变得更加的有意义，今天当我回家打开Youtube，首页竟然推荐了一个视频（当然，我是学计算机的，哈哈哈，深知可能是算法搜索的好呢），《What makes life worth living in the face of death | Lucy Kalanithi》，竟然就是Paul的妻子Lucy的演讲，看完以后，更加确定他们夫妇是如何选择面对死亡，作为一个多年的医生，外科医生。
Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle, everything I do is stitched with its color.
Youtube:Ted from Lucy