Doing some soul-searching here
This book is so deeply disconcerting for I share Jean Baptiste’s guilt and confessions. I cannot condemn his conceited self-love, his cynical indifference and his despicable hypocrisy as I am no higher than him. On the contrary, in his self-exposure, I saw a flicker of my innermost feelings that I’ve been consciously or unconsciously trying to smother.
On Virtues:
Virtue seems to be such a paradoxical concept to me. In virtue ethics, agents, as opposed to actions, are the subjects of moral judgements. Apart from our actions, we are judged by our moral motivations. Therefore, if a seemingly virtuous act is performed out of non-altruistic motives such that the benefactor derives a sense of delight and self-importance from the superior position he resides in, we no longer deem the act as virtuous. On the contrary, we condemn the act as vain, phoney and hypocritical.
Jean Baptiste was a benevolent and caring character by appearance. Yet, his innermost self conceded that when he did care for another person, it was out of pure condescension as he recognised no equal to himself. He treated others’ tragedies as his aperitif and fed on them to gratify his self-love. The incompatibility of his seemingly altruistic acts and his non-altruistic motivations created a sense of self-contempt that eventually led to his fall.
It seems to me that virtue is only a trait of the saints and most human beings are not capable of being truly virtuous. I want to be good, be kind, be brave and wise, but admittedly, it is all pretty difficult. If I am not blessed with a good nature, if I am not raised to be capable of being genuinely altruistic, if I have lost my innocence, am I then condemned to be torn by the moral judgements because of the tainted motivations behind my virtuous acts?
Upon finishing reading the book, my answer was yes and I felt quite depressed as I thought all I could do was to plead guilty knowing that there would be no salvation. But on second thought, I decided to abandon this severe appraisal of morality. If we are by nature much darker, more contradictory, more of a maelstrom of impulses and passions, of cruelty, ecstasy, and madness, than are apparent to the civilised beings who glide on the surface and fit smoothly into this censorious world, why should we enjoin virtue and feign morality? I still want to be good, be kind, be brave and wise, but at the same time I want to embrace the full complexity of what I am rather than masquerading as a virtuous saint who cannot help feeling a vague tincture of self-contempt.
On "Nothing Counted":
What I excelled in above all was contempt. I have never been able to believe, deep inside, that human affairs are serious matters. I had no idea what was serious, only that it was not in everything that I saw, which seemed to me merely an amusing, or tedious game....I played at being efficient, intelligent, righteous, a concerned citizen, indignant, indulgent, supportive, a good example… I have never been truly sincere and enthusiastic.
小时候我爸妈问我长大了为什么不想做科学家,做科学家可以推动人类进步,我说因为不觉得人类有多好,有多值得这些进步......
Some part of me have always had the thought that “nothing counted”. I sometimes have the feeling that all our lives, we human beings have been occupying ourselves with frivolous pursuits to distract ourselves from existential dread. We create complications and drama for ourselves (be it love, war or progress) just because we are bored and vain.
But I live a life of inconsistencies so my realisation that “nothing counted” does not prevent me from fearing death or wanting to lead a happy life. I am still in search of the solution, so please let me know if you have found one.