we transfer strong feelings from the appropriate person to an easier target. They felt threatened by Micheal's happiness, instead of seeing it as a validation of their parenting skills. Micheal's interests were insignificant to them. For Kim, trying to please her father was like running a race in which he was always moving the finish line. "The charade of the normal family" is especially damagi...
The same could be said of the game that so many of us continue to play: trying to get toxic parents to change. We struggle to do whatever it takes toget them to become loving and accepting of us. This struggle can drain our energy and fill our days with turmoil and pain. Yet, it's futile. The only way to win is to not play. It's time to stop playing, to let go of the struggle. This does not mea...
I'm telling everybody in the family. You convinced me that I'm not only responsible for protecting Rachel, but all the other kids in the family, too. I mean, my father has access to all of them. Not everybody's thrilled with my decision, especially my parents. But they're going to have to deal with that. For years I kept my mouth shut because I thought I was protecting the family when I was rea...
If you were molested as a child, all or most of the statements on the following list will be true for you. 1.You have deep-seated feelings of unworthiness, guilt, and shame. 2.You are easily used and exploited by others. 3.You believe everybody else is more important than you are. 4.You believe the only way to get love is by catering to the needs of others at the expense of your own. 5.You have...
Women are allowed to cry, to mourn openly, to get depressed, and to show tenderness, but anger is considered unbecoming to women in our society. As a result, many women are attracted to partners who can act out their anger for them. In this way, they can discharge some of their repressed anger vicariously. Unfortunately, however, many of these men who get angry easily are also controlling and a...
Understanding the relationship between your beliefs and your feelings is an essential step toward putting a stop to self-defeating behavior! 印象中这是书里第一次用加粗字体写一段话，还加了感叹号，可以想象作者振臂疾呼的样子。“很多时候我们的痛苦都来自于错误的观念，”每次想到这个这个观点的时候我都会联想起来火影忍者里的忍术伊邪那美——如果你不转变观念，那么你将一直在痛苦之中循环下去。
While there is no question that children can be damaged by putdowns from friends, teachers, siblings, and other family members, children are the most vulnerable to their parents. After all, parents are the center of a young child's universe. And if your all-knowing parents think bad things about you, they must be true. If Mother is always saying, "You're stupid," then you"re stupid. If Father i...
I suggested to Jonathan that he may have been so intent on rebelling against his controlling mother that he was ignoring his own true desires. It had become so important to him not to give in to his mother’s wishes that he deprived himself of the kind of relationship with a woman he claimed to want. By doing this, he created for himself an illusion that he was “his own man,” but in reality h...
p165 the single most dramatic difference between healthy and toxic family systems is the amount of freedom that exists for family members to express themselves as individuals. Healthy families encourage individuality, personal responsibility, and independence. They encourage the development of their children's sense of adequacy and self-respect 家庭“健康”与否，要看在家里时每个人可以表达自己的...(1回应)
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