高难度谈话(全球畅销10周年纪念版)

Summarize steps in handling a difficult conversation. 1. walk through the three conversations: what happened, intention/impact, contribution; feelings; identity 2. check your purpose and decide whether to raise it 3. start from the third story 4. explore their story and yours: listen, expressing (acknowledge and clarify), and be persistent 5. problem-solving

What is a powerful set of moves to take the lead in a conversation? Explain - reframe, listen and name the dynamic - reframe: be persistent to reframe the problem into the correct direction - listen: let the other person feel heard and understood - name the dynamic: make the trouble explicit

What does problem solving consist of? - gather information and test your perceptions - say what is still missing - say what would persuade you - ask what would persuade them - ask their advice - invent options - ask what standards should apply - if you still can't agree, consider your alternatives

Summarize the workflow of a difficult conversation. - begin conversation from a third story - be a good listener to understand the other person's story - express yourself and let others know your story

What are four steps to improve expressing your story? - Realize that You are entitled (aware that we are all equal and deserve to be treated with respect and dignity; aware of self-sabotage; failure to express yourself keeps you out of the relationship; feel entitled, encouraged, but not obliged) - Speak the heart of the matter (start with what matters most; say what you mean: don't make them guess; avoid easing in; don't make your story simplistic and use AND) - Tell your story with clarity (don't present your conclusions as truth; share where your conclusions come from; don't exagerrate with "always" and "never" - Help them understand you (ask them to paraphrase back; ask how they see it differently and why)

Why is listening an essential skill in difficult conversations? - it helps you understand the other person - it helps them understand you

How to adopt the curiosity stance and listen from the inside out? - forget the words and focus on authenticity (need to be genuinely curious) - become more aware of your internal voice (take a moment to locate the commentator in your head) - don't turn it off, turn it up - managing your internal voice - negotiate your way to curiousity: remind yourself it might be a delusion that you think you already understand others; hold understanding the other person as one of the primary purposes - don't listen: talk when you internal voice is too strong

What are three useful skills that good listen employ? - inquire to learn - if you don't have a question, don't ask a question - don't use questions to cross-examine - ask open-ended questions - ask for more concrete information - ask questions about the three conversations - make it safe for them not to answer - paraphrase for clarity - check your understanding - show that you've heard - acknowledge their feelings - answer the invisible questions - how to acknowledge - order matters: acknowledge before problem-solving - acknowledging is not agreeing

What does "Empathy is a journey, not a destination" mean? - People are too complex to be truly understood by others (but knowing that we are trying to emphasize with others let them to believe that we have actually accomplished the goal being a empathetic listener)