Jaime (Chapter Thirty)

与Lancel对证他与Cersei的奸情后，Jaime自嘲地向哑巴的Ser Ilyn倾诉：
"Do you see that window, ser?" Jaime used a sword to point. 

"That was Raymun Darry's bedchamber. Where King Robert slept, on our return from Winterfell. Ned Stark's daughter had run off after her wolf savaged Joff, you'll recall. My sister wanted the girl to lose a hand. The old penalty, for striking one of the blood royal. Robert told her she was cruel and mad. They fought for half the night . . . well, Cersei fought, and Robert drank. Past midnight, the queen summoned me inside. The king was passed out snoring on the Myrish carpet. I asked my sister if she wanted me to carry him to bed. She told me I should carry her to bed, and shrugged out of her robe. I took her on Raymun Darry's bed after stepping over Robert. If His Grace had woken I would have killed him there and then. He would not have been the first king to die upon my sword . . . but you know that story, don't you?" 

He slashed at a tree branch, shearing it in half. 

"As I was fucking her, Cersei cried, 'I want.' I thought that she meant me, but it was the Stark girl that she wanted, maimed or dead." The things I do for love. "It was only by chance that Stark's own men found the girl before me. If I had come on her first . . ."

整本书Jaime的小心脏都在被伤口撒盐。他的POV基本串起来就是一个虐心的“她不爱我”清醒记。

上本书里Jaime终于回到kingslanding见到Cersei，干柴烈火后倾诉衷肠时，后者认为他变化很大。Jaime desperately地说“I lost one hand." Cersei：“No, there's something more. Have you lost your wits on the way as well?" 

其实失去sword hand以后Jaime的wits和vision才似乎真的回来了。
Tyrion走前残忍的confession+道听途说+回忆以前和Cersei的各种细节+各路考证，终于他明白从前光鲜的他，作为她的twin，只是她的一个工具，一个自豪的资本和筹码，一个倒影；她爱他不过是爱自己的一个延伸。
而现在他不再是that shining, golden young warrior，也不再为爱情狂热盲目到愚蠢时，她也不再”爱“他，at least when she seemed to have nothing to ask from him... 

帅气多金又年轻得志时，他都只bed过她一个女人，无论在世人眼中有多么wrong。
而在失手失意又迷惘时，却认识到这一切，是有多hurt....

可他现在不再是冲动而锋芒毕露的男孩，是满身伤痕的crippled的男人。所以一路上他都只是自嘲，默默死心。 

但for this moment alone他终于失控。可笑地向不会讲话的Ser Ilyn发泄。
He is laughing at me, realized Jaime Lannister. "For all I know you fucked my sister too, you pock-faced bastard," he spat out. "Well, shut your bloody mouth and kill me if you can."

我相信那一刻他是真的想死的。