Notes

Attachment styles

• Secure: comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving
• Anxious: crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back
• Avoidant: equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness

关系和基因/原生家庭的关联

In romantic situations, we are programmed to act in a predetermined manner.

书里观点基本上就是原生家庭非常影响我们在亲密关系里的模式。

论亲密关系的不可或缺

为了卖书必须卖relationship is quintessential这个观点 但我觉得有点fishy

The erroneous belief that all people should be emotionally self-sufficient is not new.

Throughout evolution, genetic solution favored people who became attached because it provided a survival advantage...Getting attached means that our brain becomes wired to seek the support of our partner by ensuring the partner’s psychological and physical proximity.

Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward. —> “dependency paradox”: the more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.

If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person.

Baruch Spinoza: “All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which we are attached by love.” So choose wisely when you are getting involved with someone, because the stakes are high.

Secure型

The messages that come across from someone secure are very honest, straightforward, and consistent. Secures are not afraid of intimacy and know they are worthy of love. They don’t have to beat around the bush or play hard to get.

Once you’ve recognized someone you’ve met as secure, remember not to make impulsive decisions about whether s/he is right for you. Remind yourself that you might feel bored at first — after all, there is less drama when your attachment system isn’t activated. Give it some time. Chances are, if you are anxious, you will automatically interpret calmness in the relationship as a lack of attraction. A habit of years is not easy to shed.

Secure型的特点

• Treat their partners like royalty: when you’ve become part of their inner circle, they treat you with love and respect.
• We often fail to realize what a bonus these attributes are unless they’re missing.
• You know you deserve to be loved and valued at all times. You are programmed to expect that. If someone sends out vibes that are not in line with these expectations — if they’re inconsistent or evasive — you automatically lose interest.
• Effective communication — they simply surface their feelings and see how their date reacts
• Subjects with a more secure attachment style are indeed less likely to play games
• Maintain your secure frame of mind
• Just because you can get along with anyone doesn’t mean you have to

Secure型应该如何find the right partner

• Spotting “smoking guns” very early on and treating them as deal breakers
• Effectively communicating your needs from day 1
• Subscribing to the belief that there are many (yes, many!) potential partners who could make you happy
• Never taking blame for a date’s offensive behavior. When a partner acts inconsiderately or hurtfully, secures acknowledge that it says a lot about the other person rather than about themselves
• Expecting to be treated with respect, dignity, and love.

Effective Communication 5个方法

• Wear your hear on your sleeve
• Focus on your needs
• Be specific
• Don’t blame
• Be assertive and nonapologetic: our culture encourages you to believe that many of your needs are illegitimate. But whether they are legitimate or not for someone else is beside the point. They are essential for your happiness, and that is what’s important. We all have very specific needs in relationship. They aren’t good or bad, they simply are what they are.

书里还有一个quote我找不到了 但大意是 我们在择偶的过程中需要更careful一点 因为人的bandwidth和心性是有限的 bad experiences会让secure的人变得不那么secure 而这些好的品质 只有失去了才懂得珍惜（...嗯）

所谓的timing 其实也是一条自己可以掌握的时间线 别和不应该的人建立关系。多花时间 了解自己 也要好好validate自己的需求 才能更好和对方沟通。真的遇到爱情了 所需要的sacrifice和compromise和智慧 再读读别的书吧：）