Notes

Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in. Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose.

When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make.

Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience. We must walk into the arena, whatever it may be — a new relationship, an important meeting, our creative process, or a difficult family conversation — with courage and the willingness to engage. Rather than sitting on the sidelines and hurling judgment and advice, we must dare to show up and leet ourselves be seen. This is vulnerability. This is daring greatly.

I had realized that social work wasn’t about fixing. It was and is all about contextualizing and “leaning in.” Social work is all about leaning into the discomfort of ambiguity and uncertainty, and holding open an empathic space so people can find their own way. In a word—messy.”

No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.

Love and belonging are irreducible needs of all men, women, and children. Those who feel lovable, who love, and who experience belonging simply believe they are worthy of love and belonging. The Wholehearted identify vulnerability as the catalyst for courage, compassion, and connection. While being called pedantic is an insult in most settings, in the ivory tower we’re taught to wear the pedantic label like a suit of armor.

In a culture full of critics and cynics, I had always felt safer in my career flying right under the radar. Out Culture of “Never Enough” You can’t swing a cat without hitting a narcissist.

I see the cultural messaging everywhere that says that an ordinary life is a meaningless life. And I see how kids that grow up on a steady diet of reality television, celebrity culture, and unsupervised social media can absorb this messaging and develop a completely skewed sense of the world. I am only as good as the number of “likes” I get on Facebook or Instagram.

how grandiosity, entitlement, and admiration-seeking feel like just the right balm to soothe the ache of being too ordinary and inadequate.

1. What are the messages and expectations that define our culture and how does culture influence our behaviors?
2. How are our struggles and behaviors related to protecting ourselves?
3. How are our behaviors, thoughts, and emotions related to vulnerability and the need for a strong sense of worthiness?

What makes this constant assessing and comparing so self-defeating is that we are often comparing our lives, our marriages, our families, and our communities to unattainable, media-driven visions of perfection, or we’re holding up our reality against our own fictional account of how great someone else has it. Nostalgia is also a dangerous form of comparison. Think about how often we compare ourselves and our lives to a memory that nostalgia has so completely edited that it never really existed: “Remember when…? Those were the days…”

we’ve survived and are surviving events that have torn at our sense of safety with such force that we’ve experienced them as trauma even if we weren’t directly involved.

3 components of scarcity:

1. Shame: Is fear of ridicule and belittling used to manage people and/or to keep people in line? Is self-worth tied to achievement, productivity, or compliance? Are blaming and finger-pointing norms? Are put-downs and name-calling rampant? What about favoritism? Is perfectionism an issue?
2. Comparison: Healthy competition can be beneficial, but is there constant overt or covert comparing and ranking? Has creativity being suffocated? Are people held to one narrow standard rather than acknowledged for their unique gifts and contributions? Is there an ideal way of being or one form of talent that is used as measurement of everyone else’s worth?
3. Disagreement: Are people afraid to take risks or try new things? Is it easier to stay quiet than to share stories, experiences, and ideas? Does it feel as if no one is really paying attention or listening? Is everyone struggling to be seen and heard?

Wholeheartedness, but at its very core is vulnerability and worthiness: facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough. Chapter 3: Vulnerability Myths If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.

Vulnerability = uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure

Love is uncertain. It’s incredibly risky. And loving someone leaves us emotionally exposed. Yes, it’s scary and yes, we’re open to being hurt, but can you imagine your life without loving or being loved?

To put our art, our writing, our photography, our ideas out into thee world with no assurance of acceptance or appreciation — that’s also vulnerability. To let ourselves sink into the joyful moments of our lives even though we know that they are fleeting, even though the world tells us not to be too happy lest we invite disaster — that’s an intense form of vulnerability.

It’s a chicken-or-egg issue: We need to feel trust to be vulnerable and we need to be vulnerable in order to trust.

Trust is a product of vulnerability that grows over time and requires work, attention, and full engagement. Trust isn’t a grand gesture—it’s a growing marble collection.

I performed until there was no energy left to feel. I stayed so busy that the truth of my hurting and my fear could never catch up.

I could be loved for my vulnerabilities, not despite them.

Sometimes our first and greatest dare is asking for support. Chapter 4: Combating shame Only when we’re brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

Besides, the world isn’t split into good people and Death Eaters. We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.

We have to be vulnerable if we want more courage.

You’ve knowingly or unknowingly attached your self-worth to how your product or art is received. Then it’s unlikely that you’ll share it, or if you do, you’ll strip away a layer or two of the juiciest creativity and innovation to make the revealing less risky. There’s too much on the line to just put your wildest creations out there.

You’re officially a prisoner of “pleasing, performing, and perfecting.”

A sense of worthiness inspires us to be vulnerable, share openly, and persevere. In shame-prone cultures, where parents, leaders, and administrators consciously or unconsciously encourage people to connect their self-worth to what they produce. I see disengagement, blame, gossip, stagnation, favoritism, and a total dearth of creativity and innovation.

We can’t equate defeat with being unworthy of love, belonging, and joy.

But success and recognition and approval are not the values that drive me. My value is courage and I was just courageous. You can move on, shame.

Guilt = I did something bad.

Shame = I am bad.

If John’s self-talk is “God, I’m a loser. I’m a failure” — that’s shame. If his self-talk is “Man, my boss is so out of control. This is ridiculous. I don’t deserve this” — that’s humiliation.

We know other folks have done the same thing and, like a blush, it will pass rather than define us.

A social wound needs a social balm, and empathy is that balm. Self-compassion is key because when we’re able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we’re more likely to reach out, connect, and experience empathy.

1. Recognizing Shame and Understanding Its Triggers. Shame is biology and biography. Can you physically recognize when you’re in the grips of shame, feel your way through it, and figure out what messages and expectations triggered it?
2. Practicing Critical Awareness. Can you reality-check the messages and expectations that are driving your shame? Are they realistic? Attainable? Are they what you want to be or what you think others need/want from you?
3. Reaching Out. Are you owning and sharing your story? We can’t experience empathy if we’re not connecting.
4. Speaking Shame. Are you talking about how you feel and asking for what you need when you feel shame?

in order to deal with shame, some of us move away by withdrawing, hiding, silencing ourselves, and keeping secrets. Some of us move toward by seeking to appease and please. And some of us move against by trying to gain power over others, by being aggressive, and by using shame to fight shame (like sending really mean e-mails). Most of us use all of these—at different times with different folks for different reasons. Yet all of these strategies move us away from connection—they are strategies for disconnecting from the pain of shame.

If you own this story you get to write the ending. Chapter 5: Vulnerability armory Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you.

3 forms of shielding:

• Foreboding joy
• Perfectionism
• Numbing

Foreboding joy

We’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. “I used to take every good thing and imagine the worst possible disaster.” You sacrifice joy, but you suffer less pain.

We don’t want to be caught off-guard, so we literally practice being devastated or never move from self-elected disappointment.

PRACTICING GRATITUDE

1. Joy comes to us in moments - ordinary moments. We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary.
2. Be grateful for what you have.
3. Don’t squander joy.

Somewhere along the way, they adopted this dangerous and debilitating belief system: “I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect.”

Healthy striving is self- focused: How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused: What will they think? Perfectionism is a hustle.

Appreciating thebeauty of cracks

If we want freedom from perfectionism, we have to make the long journey from “What will people think?” to “I am enough.”

To claim the truths about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, and the very imperfect nature of our lives, we have to be willing to give ourselves a break and appreciate the beauty of our cracks or imperfections.

• Self-kindness: Being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.
• Common humanity: Common humanity recognizes that suffering and feelings of personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience—something we all go through rather than something that happens to “me” alone.
• Mindfulness: Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we not “overidentify” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negativity.

A twenty-minute walk that I do is better than the four-mile that I don’t do.

Good enough is really effin’ good. (I’ve tried my best and my best is good enough.)

It is our nature to be imperfect. To have uncategorized feelings and emotions. To make or do things that don’t sometimes necessarily make sense.

There’s a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.

One of the most universal numbing strategies is what I call crazy-busy. We’re a culture of people who’ve bought into the idea that if we stay busy enough, the truth of our lives won’t catch up with us.

We are hard-wired for connection.

We have to believe we are enough in order to say, “Enough!”

Living a connected life ultimately is about setting boundaries, spending less time and energy hustling and winning over people who don’t matter, and seeing the value of working on cultivating connection with family and close friends.

Before the research, my question was “What’s the quickest way to make these feelings go away?” Today my question is “What are these feelings and where did they come from?” （Instead of 驱赶情绪 要做的是investigate 我的情绪是什么？它们从哪里来？我该如何处理它们？）

Are my choices comforting and nourishing my spirit, or are they temporary reprieves from vulnerability and difficult emotions ultimately diminishing my spirit?

She never acknowledged the presence of the human being across from her… I don’t know how it feels for her, but I do know how it feels to be an invisible member of the service industry… When we treat people as objects, we dehumanize them… I am suggesting that we stop dehumanizing people and start looking them in the eye when we speak to them.

Not religiosity but the deeply held belief that we are inextricably connected to one another by a force greeter than ourselves — a force grounded in love and compassion. For more of us that’s God, for others it’s nature, art, or even human soulfulness.

For soldiers serving in Afghanistan and Iraq, coming home is more lethal than being in combat.

Sharing yourself to teach or move a process forward can be healthy and effective, but disclosing information as a way to work through your personal stuff is inappropriate and unethical.

When we stop caring about what people think, we lose our capacity for connection. When we become defined by what people think, we lose our willingness to be vulnerable. If we dismiss all the criticism, we lose out on important feedback, but if we subject ourselves to the hatefulness, our spirits get crushed. It’s a tightrope, shame resilience is the balance bar, and the safety net below is the one or two people in our lives who can help us reality-check the criticism and cynicism.

Cruelty is cheap, easy, and chickenshit.

Stretch-mark friend: our connection has been stretched and pulled so much that it’s become part of who we are, a second skin, and there are a few scars to prove it. We’re totally uncool with each other. I don’t think anyone has more than one or two people who qualify for that list. “The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.”

Chapter 6: Daring to Rehumanize Education and Work

Feedback thrives in cultures where the goal is not “getting comfortable with hard conversations” butnormalizing discomfort.

Victory is not getting good feedback, avoiding giving difficult feedback, or avoiding the need for feedback. In stead it’s taking off the armor, showing up, and engaging.