我們真的都有Option B

#書# 2017《OptionB》7/10

我承認對於SherylSandberg是有一股吃不到葡萄說葡萄酸的羨慕嫉妒恨，略知一二她的拼命和成功，覺得這種主角光環說什麼都是對的但又不可複製的，所以沒有意願讀《LeanIn》和本書，可我對AdamGrant又有無知的偶像膜拜，看到他是第二作者，決定給這本書一個打開的機會。

讀完后感覺，相關的心理開導比較老生常談，只是KOLSheryl的新瓶子亮麗有用，她切身的悲痛逐漸轉變到放下，繼續前行，感同身受遠超單獨實驗文獻或統計數字，加上Sheryl邏輯性和總結能力，整本書像是一個可供執行的SOP（標準化流程）。

雖然閱讀情緒會一直在感性和理性搖擺，而且Sheryl的選擇和機會比我們多很多，但我依然願意推薦本書，裡面有切實可行的方法——和錢財多少無關——讓我們可以更好去面對失去至親的未來。

這次書評過於情緒化，打亂原書結構，加入很多胡言亂語，不過感覺自己也多了一副盔甲，希望可以幫助朋友和自己，相對從容接受時間總歸會帶給我們的死亡。

……

本書從Sheryl和丈夫去度假，Dave在健身房心臟病突發死去開始。這種失去至親的悲痛，特別是你完全沒有預計或準備的時候，是一種瞬間墜入地獄深淵的虛空和窒息，而且恐懼如影隨形，似乎這輩子已經隨著至親的離去而完結。

"I was in 'the void,'" she writes, "a vast emptiness that fills your heart and lungs and restricts your ability to think or even breathe."

Grief is a demanding companion. In those early days and weeks and months, it was always there, not just below the surface but on the surface.

"No one ever told me," C. S. Lewis wrote, "that grief felt so like fear."The fear was constant and it felt like the grief would never subside. The waves would continue to crash over me until I was no longer standing, no longer myself.

但我們一定要相信，深淵也是有底的，我們的確無法——也無需——努力抵抗這種下墜的無力與窒息感，不要抵抗，而是讓情緒流動，承認自己的悲痛和無能，直到我們觸及底部。我們一定會到達一個底部，悲傷與絕望一定會有一個最大值，在那裡，我們可以稍事停留，但一定要用盡最後一分力，拼命一撐，重新回到生活水面。

When I stopped fighting those moments, they passed more quickly.

there was a bottom to this seemingly endless void.

I learned that when life pulls you under, you can kick against the bottom, break the surface, and breathe again.

而這拼命的一撐，需要解決三個核心的P：這不是我們個人的錯誤，這不會影響到我們現在所有的一切，這也不會持續影響我們將來的一切。我們也不要沉迷在不斷舔傷口，讓傷疤無法愈合；或者我們勇敢去接受傷口永遠滴血的事實，帶著它勇敢地走下去。

只有這樣，我們才能夠看到眼淚以外的世界，才能夠收集最後的力量，在地獄的谷底給出有力的一撐！

psychologist Martin Seligman found that three P's can stunt recovery: (1) personalization—the belief that we are at fault; (2) pervasiveness—the belief that an event will affect all areas of our life; and (3) permanence—the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever.

Recognizing that negative events aren't personal, pervasive, or permanent makes people less likely to get depressed and better able to cope.

not everything that happens to us happens because of us.

"Part of every misery,"C. S. Lewis wrote, is "misery's shadow … the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer."

"Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried,"

用寫日記的方法，可以把混亂的情緒一點點條理化，引導它們各自走向，而不再糾結在一起。在這梳理的過程中，自我同情非常重要，但是不要走入自我憐憫與自我沉溺的誤區。同時寫感謝函，也可以幫助我們擴大視角，看到悲痛之路有家人朋友一路同行。

Journaling helped me process my overwhelming feelings and my all-too-many regrets.

Self-compassion isn't talked about as much as it should be,maybe because it's often confused with its troublesome cousins,self-pity and self-indulgence.

people were asked to write and deliver a thank-you note to someone who had shown them unusual kindness. This pleased the receivers but it also made the note writers feel significantly less depressed, and the gratitude afterglow stayed with them for a month.

家人與朋友的溫暖，即使他們無法阻擋你的下墜，但是他們絕對是稻草另外一端的手臂，等著你給出信號——無論多微弱——他們都會馬上把你拉上來。

"I know you don't know yet what will happen—and neither do I. But you won't go through this alone. I will be there with you every step of the way."

"The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, are when I carried you."

I used to think there was one set of footprints because my friends were carrying me through the worst days of my life. But now it means something else to me. When I saw one set of footprints, it was because they were following directly behind me, ready to catch me if I fell.

從悲痛的谷底走出來，我們負重前行，明天太陽依然會升起，我們一定會重新找到快樂的，而且我們必定變得更強！

"Let me fall if I must fall. The one I become will catch me."

In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.

post-traumatic growth could take five different forms: finding personal strength, gaining appreciation, forming deeper relationships, discovering more meaning in life, and seeing new possibilities.

our amount of resilience isn't fixed, so I should be asking instead how I could become resilient. Resilience is the strength and speed of our response to adversity—and we can build it. It isn't about having a backbone. It's about strengthening the muscles around our backbone.

時間是最好的療傷藥，當我們回到生活水面，曾經在水底的窒息感，會有更深層次的意義。

"with each passing year, the balance tipped a little more toward an appreciation of what there once was and away from the horror of what was lost."

"In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning."

it does not just give our lives purpose—it gives our suffering purpose.

作者以自身體驗以及和類似朋友的交流，給出了如何面對失去至親的朋友中肯有效的建議：請默默的伴隨，請不要阻擋他們下墜但也請鼓勵他們努力找到谷底，請耐心等待他們微弱的求救信號，請不要忘記他們的至親，請勇敢地和他們談起與至親曾經的幸福快樂，請讚賞他們生活其他方面從而提醒他們悲痛外還有人生。最重要的是，請不要放棄他們，你們是他們手中稻草另外一端最後的溫暖。

Empathy was nice but encouragement was better.

"Our child dies a second time when no one speaks their name."

Asking people how they met their deceased partner seems cruel so no one does it.But for the widow or widower,not asking means they miss out on the nostalgia of recalling those early romantic days.

I still always start by offering them time off. But now I understand the importance of treating them as regular members of the team and praising their work as well.

回到生活水面，無論再如何不捨過去，我們都要前行，去尋找未來新的快樂和幸福。

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

We want others to be happy. Allowing ourselves to be happy—accepting that it is okay to push through the guilt and seek joy—is a triumph over permanence. Having fun is a form of self-compassion; just as we need to be kind to ourselves when we make mistakes, we also need to be kind to ourselves by enjoying life when we can.

Photos are important because happiness is remembered, not just experienced.

But happiness is the frequency of positive experiences, not the intensity.

As we get older, we define happiness less in terms of excitement and more in terms of peacefulness.

是的，這真的很難。悲痛與絕望就像波浪一樣不斷沖刷我們支離破碎的內心，但是無論當下如何的不解和絕望，傷痕再重，我們還是會重新找到溫暖和快樂的！

"Both deaths are woven into the fabric of my life, but they're not what define me,"

But just as grief crashes into us like a wave,it also rolls back like the tide.We are left not just standing,but in some ways stronger.Option B still gives us options.We can still love…and we can still find joy.

Life can only be understood backward but it must be lived forward.

"Option A is not available. So let's just kick the shit out of Option B."

請記住，我們真的都有OptionB！