洛丽塔

Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta.

twenty four years later, i broke her spell by incarnating her in another.

Lolita-1曾經我以為會找到Humbert.humbert，宜家我知道，佢系唔會出現了......因為我發現，我唔系lolita，我只系那個可憐嘅Charlotte Haze。引書中之信：“This is a confession: I love you [so the letter began; and for a distorted moment I mistook its hysterical scrawl for a schoolgirl's scribble]. Last Sunday in church — bad you, who refused to come to see our beautiful new windows! — only last Sunday, my dear one, when I asked the Lord what to do about it, I was told to act as I am acting now. You see, there is no alternative. I have loved you from the minute I saw you. I am a passionate and lonely woman and you are the love of my life.Now, my dearest, dearest, mon cher, cher monsieur, you have read this; now you know. So, will you please, at once, pack and leave. This is a landlady's order. I am dismissing a lodger. I am kicking you out. Go! Scram! Departez! I shall be back by dinnertime, if I do eighty both ways and don't have an accident (but what would it matter?), and I do not wish to find you in the house. Please, please, leave at once, now, do not even read this absurd note to the end. Go. Adieu.The situation, chéri, is quite simple. Of course, I know with absolute certainty that I am nothing to you, nothing at all to you, nothing at all. Oh yes, you enjoy talking to me (and kidding poor me), you have grown fond of our friendly house, of the books I like, of my lovely garden, even of Lo's noisy ways — but I am nothing to you. Right? Right. Nothing to you whatever. But if, after reading my "confession," you decided, in your dark romantic European way, that I am attractive enough for you to take advantage of my letter and make a pass at me, then you would be a criminal — worse than a kidnaper who rapes a child. You see, chéri. If you decided to stay, if I found you at home (which I know I won't — and that's why I am able to go on like this), the fact of your remaining would only mean one thing: that you want me as much as I do you: as a lifelong mate; and that you are ready to link up your life with mine forever and ever and be a father to my little girl.Let me rave and ramble on for a teeny while more, my dearest, since I know this letter has been by now torn by you, and its pieces (illegible) in the vortex of the toilet. My dearest, mon très, très cher, what a world of love I have built up for you during this miraculous June! I know how reserved you are, how "British." Your old-world reticence, your sense of decorum may be shocked by the boldness of an American girl! You who conceal your strongest feelings must think me a shameless little idiot for throwing open my poor bruised heart like this. In years gone by, many disappointments came my way. Mr. Haze was a splendid person, a sterling soul, but he happened to be twenty years my senior, and — well, let us not gossip about the past. My dearest, your curiosity must be well satisfied if you have ignored my request and read this letter to the bitter end. Never mind. Destroy it and go. Do not forget to leave the key on the desk in your room. And some scrap of address so that I could refund the twelve dollars I owe you till the end of the month. Good-bye, dear one. Pray for me — if you ever pray.C.H.”16 　　我空空的手掌里仍然是象牙般的洛丽塔——满是对她未成熟微微内弯的背部的感觉，满是拥抱她时，手指从上到下透过她薄薄的纱裙滑过她象牙般玉体的感觉。我走进她凌乱的房间，将柜门大开，钻入一堆歪七扭八、却亲近过她的衣物。尤其有一件粉色薄衫，’已经破了，衣缝处散出一股淡淡的酸味。我把它抱在亨伯特被血液充胀的胸前。心中涌起一阵刺骨的纷扰——但我必须扔卞这些东西，迅速恢复常态，因为我清楚地听见女佣纤细的嗓音正在楼梯口唤我。她说有个条子给我；而后在我机械的感谢上加了一句“不必客气”，好心的露易丝给我颤抖的手中留下一封没贴邮票、字迹娟秀的信。 　　这是自白：我爱你(信就这样开始了；有一阵曲解的时刻，我错把这歇斯底里式的涂鸦当作了女学生的乱写乱划)。上星期日在教堂——坏家伙，你拒绝去看看我们漂亮的新窗户1——就是在上星期天，我亲爱的，我问上帝该怎么办，我被启示去做我现在所要做的。你看，没有选择。从看见你的那一刻我就爱上了你，我是个多情又孤寂的女人，你是我生命的爱。 　　现在，我最最、最最亲爱的，我亲爱的，亲爱的先生，你已经读了这封信；现在你知道了一切。因此，请求您是否能立刻打好行李就离开。这是女主人的命令。我要遣走一名房客。我要把你踢出去。定开！出去！离开！吃饭的时候我就会回来，如果我来回八十里又没有出事(但这又有什么关系呢？)，我不希望再在我房里见到你。请求你，请求你，立刻离开吧，现在，甚至不必读完这封荒唐的信。定开。再会。爱人，情况很简单。当然，我可以完全肯定我对你来说无所谓，完全无所谓。噢是的，你喜欢和我交谈(哄骗可怜的我)，你越来越喜欢我们这友好的房子，喜欢我喜欢的书，喜欢我漂亮的花园，甚至喜欢洛吵吵闹阔的样子——但我对你来说却无所谓。对吗？对的。无论如何都是无所谓。但如果读完我的“自白”，你以你诡秘而浪漫的欧洲人心理断定我对你还有足够的吸引力，因此要占我这封信的便宜并对我送秋波，那么你就成了罪犯——甚至比强奸幼童的诱拐犯还坏。体看，亲爱的，如果你决定留下来，如果我发现你还在家里(我知道这不会的——这就是为什么我还要写这封信)，你留下来的事实只能说明一件事：你需要我，就象我需要你：作为白头借老的伴侣；你已准备好把你的生活和我的永远永远连在一起，并作我小女儿的父亲。 　　让我再多胡言乱语一会儿吧，我最亲爱的，因为我知道这封信这会儿已被你撕得粉碎(字迹难辨)扔进了马桶的旋涡里。我最亲爱的，我非常、非常亲爱的，在这奇迹般的六月里，我为你建造了怎样的一个爱的世界啊！我知道你是那么保守，有多么“英国派”。你那老式的沉默，你那守规守矩的感觉或许会被一个美国女孩子的无礼吓坏！隐匿了最强烈的感情的你一定会认为我这样打开自己可怜的受过伤害的心，一定是个毫无羞耻的小傻瓜。在过去的岁月里，我遇到过许许多多的失望。黑兹先生是位绝好的人，有一颗可靠的灵魂，但他却出我年长二十岁，并且——算了，还是让我们不再对过去说三说四吧。我最亲爱的，如果称不理会我的要求，又读到了这封信痛苦的结尾，你的好奇心会得到很好的潘是。算了。毁掉它然后走开。别忘了把钥匙放在你卧室的桌上。请留下地址，到这月底我好退还我欠你的十二块钱。再鬼，亲爱的。为我祈祷吧——如果你祈祷。 　　夏·黑上 　　我此刻呈现的是我对这封信的回忆，而我所记忆的又是我逐字记住了约(包括那些别纽的法语)。原信至少还要长两倍。我漏过了一个抒情段落，我一直在或多或少跳着读，即一般是关于洛丽塔的弟第的，两岁上死了，她那时四岁，她说要不然我会多么喜欢池。让我看看我还有什么要说么？对了。“马桶的旋涡”(信就是从那儿走的)实际上正是我自己根据真情杜撰的词。她可能请求我点燃一场特别的火把它烧毁。 　　我的第一个反应是厌恶和退却。第二个则象一位朋友平静的手落在我的肩头，并命令我抓紧时间考虑。我这样做了。 　　我从晕迷中摆脱出来，发现自己仍在洛的卧室。从内容高雅的杂志上撕下的完整一页钉在床上方的墙上，正好在一位男歌手的嘴和一位电影女明星的睫毛之间。那一页表现的是一位黑发的年轻丈夫，有一副爱尔兰人失去活力的目光。他正在为某某人制作的礼服充当模特儿，手中举着某某人制作的桥型碟，里边盛着两个人的早饭。标题是，“征服英雄，托马斯．莫雷尔牧师摄”。那个被彻底征服的女人(没有表现出来)也许正支撑着用力托住碟子的那半边。她的同床者是如何未经肮脏恶运就到了桥下不太清楚。洛在候悼的恋人脸上调皮地画了一支箭，又用方体字写道：H．H．。的确，尽管年龄不同，相似却今人惊异。在这下面是另一张画，也是一张彩色广告。一位出色的剧作家正庄严地抽着一支“特洛姆”。他总是抽特洛姆。这次相似处可很少。在这下面是洛纯洁的床，乱扔着许多“笑话”。瓷釉从床架上脱落了，底上露出类讼圆型的黑色斑点。当确信露易丝已经离去，我扑到洛的束上，又重读了那封信。

Mi Amor